McCartneys show the strain but can divorce ever be friendly?

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills said they wanted the ending of their marriage to be amicable but soon there were signs that things could be turning nasty. Does it have to be that way? Family lawyer Catherine Wenborn says it is possible to divorce without tearing each other apart…but only if both sides can see through the red mist of raw emotion.

At first they seemed so friendly you wondered why they were divorcing at all. Sir Paul was the perfect gentlemen denying stories that she had only married him for his money and describing her as a generous person devoted to helping others. Lady McCartney in turn was full of praise for her musical genius husband.

But within a few months the tone had changed. The papers were full of stories of how Lady McCartney and the couple’s two year old daughter couldn’t get into the family home because the locks had been changed. We then heard of a dispute over three bottles of household cleaner which had allegedly been taken by Lady McCartney. Sir Paul, apparently, was demanding their immediate return.

Millionaires arguing over bottles of cleaning fluid! Suddenly we realised that for all their celebrity they were just like thousands of other couples up and down the country. The divorce demons of pettiness, jealousy and rage are always hard to overcome - but it can be done. No matter how difficult it seems, couples have to learn to put aside their emotions and behave rationally.

Start talking

Communication is obviously going to be difficult for all couples who are splitting up, especially if one partner has had an affair or there are arguments over custody of children. Eventually, however, no matter how bitter the arguments, you are going to have to talk. The sooner both sides accept this, the better the chances of reaching a quick and relatively painless settlement.

Be realistic about money

Singer Neil Diamond managed to stay on good terms with his wife throughout their divorce. When she was awarded a financial settlement he was able to say, without any trace of irony, that he wished her all the happiness that 120 million dollars could bring. Not all men are so magnanimous. Some resent paying maintenance, even if they have been married for 30 years and their wife has stayed home to look after the children. In these circumstances, men need to accept that there is likely to be an imbalance in the financial provision made available to the wife to compensate for the fact that their earning power diminished while they stayed home to care for their family. Sticking your head in the sand and refusing to pay up only prolongs the agony of the divorce and adds to the cost.

By the same token, women divorcing after a short marriage that hasn’t produced children and hasn’t interrupted their careers or earning capacity may have to accept they’ll get no or very little maintenance.

Think of the children

All couples love their children but don’t always act in their best interests. Sometimes the children are used as weapons in the heat of the battle with one parent trying to deny the other access. Otherwise rational people will tell themselves they are doing it for the good of the child when really they are punishing their partner. Couples must realise that nearly all divorce settlements will result in both sides being granted some form of access so it is better to accept that right at the outset and try to reach agreement as soon as possible.

Think ahead and realise how much better it will be for the children if they have regular contact with both parents, particularly if those parents can put their differences aside and bear to face each other for landmark events such birthdays, engagement parties, weddings and so on.

That is what is best for the child. Deep down people know that but sometimes they have to be reminded.

Try mediation

Put some couples in the same room and they’ll tear each other apart so mediation may not be for everyone. Nevertheless, mediation doesn’t have to be face to face across the table. It’s possible to use separate rooms or even just professional go-betweens to iron out differences. Some couples may also be obliged to use mediation or explain why it’s not suitable for them in order to qualify for legal aid.

Try to avoid court

Going to court is often the only way to get a settlement, especially when one side digs their heels in and refuses to budge. However, it’s better to reach agreement without going to court if possible. That way both sides can walk away reasonably satisfied. A judge, on the other hand, may reach a decision that upsets one side or another, and in some case, upsets both sides.

Negotiated settlements in which couples are prepared to be reasonable are nearly always better all round. Not only that, but couples who reach agreement in this way are more likely to form a civilised relationship for the future. That is not only better for them, it is better for their children.

Make a pre-nup agreement

Sir Paul McCartney apparently dismissed the idea because it seemed unromantic. He may be regretting that now. Pre-nups are obviously no good to people who are already married but for those who’ve yet to tie the knot they are worth considering. They have the advantage of allowing couples to discuss financial matters rationally when they still love each other as opposed to irrationally in the midst of a bitter divorce. Pre-nups aren’t legally binding in this country but courts will take them into account so they can be very helpful.

Catherine Wenborn is Head of the Family Law Department at Andersons Solicitors in Nottingham. She can be contacted on cwenborn@andersonsolicitors.co.uk or tel: 0115 988 6717.

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